Redefining Who I Am Part 2 - "Who Are You?"
During the month of July I spent some time doing small projects here and there, thinking that things would just fall into place with my new position. I logged hours, I did work, but I wasn’t really laying down a solid foundation within this new job. I thought to myself that it would just all work out for the best and that I needed to just keep myself busy. We had been doing a lot of networking in different groups and social events to try to get our name out there, but I was really green at this at the time. I wasn't fully capable of selling myself or what I could do because the only bit of experience I had was at one company. I hadn't broadened my skill level to other things, and that would hurt me during this season.
I came into the office one morning and we did our normal meeting and updates on what we were working on to get some clients in. I was still optimistic because I didn't have any clue that this conversation would be the first step towards uncertainty and fear in my young adult life. Sometimes when you make a decision to move to a new place you hope for the best and plan for the worst. It’s not that you want to be pessimistic, you just need to plan. Well I had not planned on this happening due to my lack of knowledge of the opportunity. That was my first big mistake. I expected to just come in, do work, and then I'd get paid. But by this point, in the back of my mind, I was wondering where the "get paid" part would come into play. In the beginning of the month, I didn't question anything because I was still riding high on the idea that I had left my previous job, a place that had sucked the joy out of what I used to find exciting in my career. I went into this position not really asking all the questions I should have asked. I was thinking it was just going to be like any other job. What I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t in the right mindset of what I needed to really be doing because it hadn't dawned on me that this wasn't like a normal job position.
I asked my business partner once we were done wrapping things up the awkward question that was now ringing in my mind, "When am I going to get my first paycheck?" He looked at me with a bit of confusion and slight concern. A few seconds passed by and I could see it in his face, the look of "oh man, didn't you know" was written all over it. His next statement was something that just made me feel so stupid and inexperienced. He said, "We don't get paid if there's no client work coming in." I tried to play it off a bit as I began to feverishly process what he had just told me. Even though I didn't say it verbally, I think he could see it in my face, I wasn't prepared for what he just told me.
Who's fault was this? Why didn't he tell me how this worked? Should I have asked? How would I have known to ask this? My lack of initiative to find out what I was getting myself into had cost me dearly. We finished up our meeting and went our separate ways for that day. I think it was barely 11:30am. Barely have the day had gone by, and I had been hit with the worst possible news, at the time, that I could have ever heard. It was a mistake that started to form a small doubt in my mind that would grow into the strongest spirit of fear I have ever had to fight off in my life. Fear, real, terrifying, joy-robbing fear had now made it’s way into my mind and it was about to introduce itself like an unwanted visitor.
I remember coming home and sitting down at the computer. The thought that kept coming to my mind was, “What should I do?” I was in a position that I didn’t think I would ever be in. Not only was I not really using my talents to be a blessing, but now I had no money currently coming in to provide for my basic needs. Thank goodness I still have a little bit of savings and some cash left over. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t NEARLY enough to live off of for more than a few weeks.
The faces of those who I had shared my new position proudly began to flash in my mind. All the things I said I wanted to do with this newfound freedom started to crumble and crack. I had no freedom now. If we had gone an entire month without a single project, then who’s to say we wouldn’t go through another dry month? I had no backup plan. I had no savings built up to last through any kind of drought. What was I going to do? Sorrow and worry began to fill up my heart, and I began to panic.
I felt so small, stupid, and irresponsible that I allowed this to happen. I got up from my desk and went into my living room and sat on the couch. I needed a moment to sit and just think things through for just a second. Okay, what’s the game plan? What should I do? Should I try to just look for another job? Where can I apply? It takes weeks to really get a good foot in the door for a chance to get even an interview. How long is this going to take? Can I survive off what I have right now? How am I going to make a living? I’ve only ever professionally worked for one company in my life doing design. What if no one else saw the talent I had? What if where I was before was the only place that really would have allowed me to get in their door? Is my talent enough to provide a way for me to make a living out on my own? I don’t have any real connections for projects big enough to live off of. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What have I done? Why did this happen?
All these questions, fears, doubts, and sad thoughts began to flood my mind. I got angry. I felt betrayed by my own abilities and my poor planning. The thought of me failing after just one month was almost too much for my pride to bare. I began to whimper out a prayer. I tried to assure myself that I had been through worse situations that this hadn’t I? I have been doing this kind of job for over 13 years now! Surely I won’t be pushed around like this. I needed to remind myself of what I can do and who I was. I’m accomplished, and I have a HUGE amount of work behind me to prove it!
As I began to pray, I tried to think of all the things that I knew to be true, that I wasn’t alone and that I would always have my needs. God wouldn’t leave me to suffer alone in the dark would he? He always said he would be there with me. I started to seek out some comfort in the empty words that were tumbling out of my mouth, trying to get control of the situation. I realized that my prayers were out of desperation and not out of a desire to really communicate with God. I felt ashamed even as the words were coming out of my mouth.
All of a sudden had a deep sense of shame. A shadow crept into my mind. I felt almost as if someone was glaring at me. It was an evil, terrible presence. I closed my eyes and began to pray faster and tried to turn my mind to other things. I began to try to speak positive things over my life and wanted this fear to just go away. The harder I prayed the more difficult it was to feel any sense of joy or accomplishment.
It’s as if my prayers were just empty words of anguish. They didn’t mean anything It was a desperate cry for help. If anyone was in a near death situation they would surely say just about anything to get themselves out of danger. And that’s what I felt I had become desperate. Sadness began to fill my heart as I knew even as I prayed that the reason for this prayer was not out of love and devotion or a need to spend time with the Lord. It was a band aid. I was trying to cover the wound. I was trying to make myself feel better about what was happening. As I continued to pray something happened to me that took me from just being sad to an unexplainable sense of dread.
As I was praying, I heard a voice. It was almost like a whisper in my ear, softly spoken to me. I heard a question in my head and in my heart. This question penetrated right in the middle of my prayer, and said, “Who are you?” It completely took me by surprise. It was so clear and sharp as if it was said audibly to me. I wasn't sure how to take it. I couldn't tell if it was a constructive question or a menacing one. It hit me like a punch to the chest and knocked all the air out of my lungs. I stopped in mid sentence as I was praying aloud. I waited a few seconds, wondering if I was hearing things. Surely it was nothing, right? Just another random and negative thought that was messing with me during my newfound vulnerability? But this one made me stop and think. The room felt so still and empty. The optimism I felt that morning had now completely vanished and I was left feeling more alone than I had ever felt in my life. It wasn't so much that I was alone, it was that I also felt like I was in danger. Not only was I faced with not having any income to be able to pay my bills, but this question that shot through my head was how causing a serious amount of doubt and self consciousness. I think that was the worst part of it. I had felt so accomplished the last few years, and now it was all falling apart right before me, and it was all my fault. I sobbed silently and tried to continue to pray as it now rang in my head over and over again. I couldn’t even really muster a cohesive thought at this point. It had been about three hours of me being stuck in this room alone trying to gather my thoughts.
All these questions, fears, doubts, and sad thoughts began to flood my mind. I got angry. I felt betrayed by my own abilities and my poor planning. The thought of me failing after just one month was almost too much for my pride to bare. I began to whimper out a prayer. I tried to assure myself that I had been through worse situations that this hadn’t I? I have been doing this kind of job for over 13 years now! Surely I won’t be pushed around like this. I needed to remind myself of what I can do and who I was. I’m accomplished, and I have a HUGE amount of work behind me to prove it!
As I began to pray, I tried to think of all the things that I knew to be true, that I wasn’t alone and that I would always have my needs. God wouldn’t leave me to suffer alone in the dark would he? He always said he would be there with me. I started to seek out some comfort in the empty words that were tumbling out of my mouth, trying to get control of the situation. I realized that my prayers were out of desperation and not out of a desire to really communicate with God. I felt ashamed even as the words were coming out of my mouth.
All of a sudden had a deep sense of shame. A shadow crept into my mind. I felt almost as if someone was glaring at me. It was an evil, terrible presence. I closed my eyes and began to pray faster and tried to turn my mind to other things. I began to try to speak positive things over my life and wanted this fear to just go away. The harder I prayed the more difficult it was to feel any sense of joy or accomplishment.
It’s as if my prayers were just empty words of anguish. They didn’t mean anything It was a desperate cry for help. If anyone was in a near death situation they would surely say just about anything to get themselves out of danger. And that’s what I felt I had become desperate. Sadness began to fill my heart as I knew even as I prayed that the reason for this prayer was not out of love and devotion or a need to spend time with the Lord. It was a band aid. I was trying to cover the wound. I was trying to make myself feel better about what was happening. As I continued to pray something happened to me that took me from just being sad to an unexplainable sense of dread.
As I was praying, I heard a voice. It was almost like a whisper in my ear, softly spoken to me. I heard a question in my head and in my heart. This question penetrated right in the middle of my prayer, and said, “Who are you?” It completely took me by surprise. It was so clear and sharp as if it was said audibly to me. I wasn't sure how to take it. I couldn't tell if it was a constructive question or a menacing one. It hit me like a punch to the chest and knocked all the air out of my lungs. I stopped in mid sentence as I was praying aloud. I waited a few seconds, wondering if I was hearing things. Surely it was nothing, right? Just another random and negative thought that was messing with me during my newfound vulnerability? But this one made me stop and think. The room felt so still and empty. The optimism I felt that morning had now completely vanished and I was left feeling more alone than I had ever felt in my life. It wasn't so much that I was alone, it was that I also felt like I was in danger. Not only was I faced with not having any income to be able to pay my bills, but this question that shot through my head was how causing a serious amount of doubt and self consciousness. I think that was the worst part of it. I had felt so accomplished the last few years, and now it was all falling apart right before me, and it was all my fault. I sobbed silently and tried to continue to pray as it now rang in my head over and over again. I couldn’t even really muster a cohesive thought at this point. It had been about three hours of me being stuck in this room alone trying to gather my thoughts.
Then, all of a sudden a deep, dark, cold sensation shot through my body. It was like someone had snuck up behind me and put their icy hands on the back of my neck and I couldn’t breathe. I knelt there by my bed, stunned and unable to think of anything other than the horrors of not knowing the answer to that question. By then I had given up on the praying and just decided it was doing little good. It wasn’t changing how I was feeling anyway. All it was making me feel like was more of a fraud and a fake. Prayer was almost as foreign language to me by this stage of my life. I had relied so much on my own abilities, that I'd forgotten to take my daily time to pray and at least listen to some good thoughts via praise and worship or sermons like I used to.
I went back to my couch. I laid down and pondered what had just happened to me. I lay there not wanting to move, not wanting to do anything but just sleep. I felt beaten down and ashamed. I couldn’t even bring myself to pray any longer. I couldn’t utter any words of comfort or summon any good thoughts.
“Who are you?” It’s a question that I’m sure we have all been asked before. It’s something that causes us to come up with the ability to share with whoever is asking, something about ourselves that can define why we are the way we are and what we’re here to do.
Now that I was faced with this reality of not knowing what I needed to do to get myself out of this mess I felt confused and weak Had I been lying to myself this whole time? Did I not have the capabilities that everyone had been telling me I had? Did they not all wish me well because they knew I would make it? Had I been lying to them too by making them believe I was stronger than I really was? The question rang inside my head and heart over and over I found the only answer I could muster as I sat there in the dark was, “...I don’t know.”
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