Redefining Who I Am Part 3 - The Apple Pie Epiphany

The next few days after that strange encounter with the voice were filled with a series of daily battles and panic attacks as I tried to keep myself from shutting down again like I had done on that Monday. The excitement and joy I felt in early July had now faded away, and it had been replaced with confusion and a sense of anxiety like I had never felt before. As soon as I would wake up in the morning I would attempt to pray and get my mind set on good things. I would try to imagine myself past this state of uncertainty and into a new season of promise. But my efforts were pretty lackluster at best. My mind and thoughts would not let go of the fear I was feeling. I think one of the things that held me back was the sense of guilt I felt that it had taken this serious event for me to even attempt to have a normal prayer routine. Isn't that like us, to only go to God whenever our life is in shambles? It's a shame that I had strayed so far away from what I had once known to be routine.

In the mornings that followed, after I would wake up, I would stay in bed feeling numb and lifeless. My brain was exhausted from trying to wage war against this spirit of fear. I felt like I had been beaten and bruised from the inside out and all I wanted to do was just shut the fear out of my mind, but I couldn’t. It had grown roots and was nourishing itself off of my doubts that swirled in my mind and I would lay in bed just wishing it was all just a bad dream. A slow burning panic kept my body paralyzed and my mind unmotivated to do anything. I couldn’t get the sensation that I didn’t know who I was anymore out of my head. Days had gone by and although I needed to start doing something to get myself out of this mess I felt as if a heavy burden was keeping me from moving forward.

Not only was I being attacked from thoughts of how I felt I had become a professional failure, but I began to realize the gravity of all the mistakes I had made in the past few years leading up to this point in my life. I was plagued with the hurts of failed relationships, broken promises and even nightmares about how all of these things were crashing down around me. I would sometimes wake up in a cold sweat. My sheets were soaked through and my body was trembling. Fear had even taken a hold on me when I was asleep. My thoughts were betraying me and the more I allowed them to manifest negativity, the harder it became to wake up every morning with any kind of will to do anything.

I feel this is the most crucial step in overcoming fear and anxiety. You have to learn to master your thoughts. You have to allow yourself to take a stand and not let your fears overtake what you know to be true. Fear has a way of amplifying worries and doubts in our mind that may not be a real issue or the core of what’s wrong. When you constantly think of the negative situation you’re in and how it’s affecting you rather than trying to move past it and figuring out a game plan to get yourself out of this situation, you allow fear to grow and have strength inside of you. The more you allow yourself to dwell on those thoughts, it starts to manifests into your reality. Our thoughts are a powerful ally, but also a huge hinderance if we dwell on the wrong things.

"The mind is a powerful place, and what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way." - NF (The Search)

You may be in a situation that may not even be that dire, but because you have let fear rule your emotions, you are afraid to make a move to do anything. A good friend of mine shared something powerful to me when I was telling him all of what I was going through. There is a difference between what is a real, immediate danger and perceived danger. A real, immediate danger is something that can cause real pain and hurt you. The example he gave was that of you out on a hike and coming across a snake that is right by your foot as you step by. That is immediate danger. That snake could cause you potential damage. Perceived danger is something that is not actually in existence in the natural world.  It only exists in our minds. The fear you have when you lose your job is an example of something that is not an immediate danger. Yes, you will need to find another source of income, but that situation should not cloud your heart with anxiety and fear to the point to where you feel wounded, weak, and depressed. However, because our lives are more often than not governed by the fact that we need income to provide for our daily needs, most of us are lost when we don't have a way to provide that income. Although we are taught that God is our provider, that still doesn't exempt us from actually doing our part in this world to do good work. We need some kind of money or income to make a living. It's a necessary evil at times.

It’s difficult to separate our emotions from the situation that causes us stress and fear. Depression will seep into your life if you constantly dwell on the endless, negative possibilities. It’ll grow in you like a virus, eating away at your joy and your purpose. You will begin to feel lethargic, useless, and unloved. You begin to be unable to think, unable to work, and bound to those dark thoughts as it takes away all desire to do anything. I was in this state of depression during this season. I couldn't see past my own mistakes, and it had quickly taken over my thoughts. Sadly, I don't think it was something that just suddenly came about. I feel like I had already been feeling a sense of distance and dread, I just didn't want to believe that I could have sunk so low. But when this situation became my reality, I couldn't hold back the doubt and fear any longer. It had manifested itself into a real, daily battle.

I had gotten so lost in my doubt and anxiety that I had completely forgotten who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted to do or where I should go. When that happened, I wasn’t even able to do the most simplistic things that can bring good health and joy into our lives. I couldn’t eat because I had no appetite. All I wanted to do was just sleep and not think about what was going on in my life, but even that was proving to be an impossibility. I had already dealt with insomnia for most of my life, but now it had been fueled by something new. My brain had already had difficulties shutting off when I laid down to sleep. My overly active brain would now betray me even more by not only keeping me away, but by keeping the fears very much alive as I lay in bed. It seems that nightfall is typically when I had my worse cases of anxiety and depression. The night can be a beautiful time of day, if you can find peace enough to rest. But when your heart and mind are both restless, it's a terrible time.

The day I had that life changing conversation with my business partner, there was some mail we had received. He and I used to take turns checking it, and I think it must have been my turn that day because I had come home with a package that we had received from a bakery that had some treats. It was some kind of thank you gift or networking invitation, I can't remember which. It was way past my lunch time and I knew I needed to eat some real food before I decided to dive into the sweet goodness. As I was preparing my lunch I realized that I just didn’t have the desire to eat at all, although I could feel my body was needing nourishment. I forced myself to eat something since it was about 3pm and I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

Once I had powered through eating my lunch I decided to have one of the treats that came in the package. I hadn't even opened it yet, and I wasn't sure what it was. It had been sitting in the fridge for a couple of days now. It wasn't very large, but it was beautifully wrapped with some colorful paper that looked like it had cost a bit of money. First impressions and all. I carefully removed the outer later and opened up the box. What was inside the box was an apple pie. I don't normally go for sweets, but there are a few things that are hard to pass up. Apple pie is definitely one of those things for me. Cheesecake is another. I thought to myself that maybe this would be a nice treat and help me take my mind off what had happened earlier in the week.

I was sitting on the couch while I watched a movie to try to take the edge off of the day. I took a bite of the apple pie, and immediately just felt I had made a mistake. This pie was terrible. It had no flavor. It was dry, cold and the more of it I ate the more sick I felt. My stomach turned sour and I just sadly put the pie back in the fridge and felt a bit sad. Not even a good tasty treat could help. I couldn’t enjoy it. I was still so caught up in my depression and anxiety.

Fear had taken such a hold of my life at that point that I wasn’t even able to taste anything. Such a simple thing like enjoying a meal had kind of been soured against me. It's funny how our perception of what we're feeling or thinking can alter our ability to enjoy those simple things in life. I was feeling pretty low, and once again I began to cry out and pray. I prayed that I would receive insight, wisdom, strength, and a new sense of purpose. I wanted to remind myself that I had the capability to do great things not because of my own abilities alone, but because God had always been the one to open those doors for me to use my talents and gifts.

A thought crossed my mind as I prayed and spoke those words to myself and I had a small moment of clarity. If the door had been closed, then it meant that somewhere another door was open. All I had to do was find it. I know that the doors will never be completely closed to me so long as I continue to hold onto the promises that God had given us. He said he would always provide for us (Philippians 4:19, “But my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”) and he said he would never leave us to be on our own (Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”)

As I began to remember the things I had been raised on, the truths I knew had always been a foundation for hope and blessing, I started to realize that even though I had been the one who had gotten myself into this mess I wasn’t going to have to go through it alone. I had allowed my doubts and fears to get in the way of knowing that God would always be there to guide and provide for me. I wouldn’t be left helpless, alone and afraid. He would provide my needs and he would be there to watch over me and protect me. I just had to walk into that promise by removing the things from my life that were hindering me. I had to rip out my old foundation of who I was and allow God to pour a new one, a stronger one.  My life needed a huge drastic change.

It wasn’t going to come about by finding a new job or learning the rules of running my own business so that I didn’t have to struggle financially. My life wasn’t going to change because I would find a new relationship. The fear wasn’t going to go away if I found a way to get money in my bank account.

The core of what needed to change was not in any of those things. Those were just band aids. They would offer temporary relief, but not everlasting peace. What needed to change was my foundation.  My life needed a new direction and a new routine. I needed to rediscover that relationship with God and the only way to do that was to strip away all the junk that had been collected in my life.

I began to pray for reconstruction. No! For demolition! I prayed for it to be completely ripped out! My old foundation had to go, every last piece. Yes it would be costly. Yes it would be difficult and painful and it would make a HUGE mess of things. It would take time, effort and discipline. And most of all, it would take a spiritual investment. This process would not come about over night. But I knew it would be needed.

I felt a peace fall on me like a warm blanket. The fear that had been built up inside of me had begun to melt away. I knew in that moment that I would not be alone, not be left out on the streets with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. It was not going to be easy for sure, and the cost would be great. But it was so necessary.

I stood up, and I smiled. After dealing with being paralyzed by fear and doubt, it felt so good to actually smile. Although this was just a very first baby step in the right direction, I felt a sense of peace that I knew what needed to be done now. Yes, I needed a way to make a living, yes I needed to be mindful of my provisions and things like that. It would be irresponsible to just leave those things up to chance.  There must be an effort made for real change to come to pass. But it no longer relied on where I would go, or who I would meet. It would come to pass from within me. My heart and mind were the ones that needed to be rebuilt. Once that foundation was laid, then I could build a new structure that would be my life, my ministry and my career. The foundation is the most important part of any structure. If the foundation is weak or cracked, the structure will fall.

After that time or prayer I decided to finish my lunch. I went to the fridge, looked at the pie that was sitting there. I kind of felt like I was saying, “Alright pie...I’ll give you another try.” (yay for rhyming)

I took the pie out and went back to the couch and took a bite. Wow. I had stop and look a the pie again just to make sure it was the same one I had tried to eat earlier that day. This thing was AMAZING! It was probably one of the best treats I’d had in a LONG time. I sat there kind of stunned. Why did it taste different to me than it did before? It was the same pie, not that much time had passed since I had tried to eat it and the last time I tried it almost made me sick to my stomach. The ingredients were the same and didn’t magically change while it was in the fridge. I was the same person...same tongue, same mouth, heck even the same fork and plate was used.

This was an interesting realization for me at the time. I thought to myself, “Why does this taste so good right now when just a moment ago it was making me feel sick?” Then I was hit with an epiphany. The pie itself had obviously not changed. What HAD changed was my perspective and my perception of my situation. My inability to enjoy what was going on in my life was clouded by fear and doubt. I was looking at my life through that perspective. I had looked at the mistake I had made with my career before as a failure and a negative thing. Now that I had decided to allow this situation to be the reason I would change my life and rebuild my foundation, it was an opportunity for greatness and no longer a failed attempt full of regret.

I asked myself, “How many times in my life have I avoided or not enjoyed moments in time because I had a poor perspective of what was going on and not looking at the situation with a Godly perspective?” I also wondered to myself how many of my friends and family have been living in fear and doubt because their perspectives were warped by those fears. As I finished the pie, each bite just as delicious as the last, I realized that because I had allowed my fears to overtake my thoughts, it was affecting everything around me. It had even affected something as simple as enjoying a meal. I had a strong desire to all of a sudden share this moment, this insight I had just gained with anyone who had been going through this kind of fear.

You see, we all go through moments of fear and doubt in our lives. Sometimes they are just small moments, other times it causes such a downfall in who we are that we suffer long lengthy moments of depression, anxiety, identity crisis and feeling lost and alone. If we allow those things to hold us back and continue to view life with fear and doubt then we will never overcome that situation.  We will be in a perpetual state of panic and unsure of what to do.

Now, you must understand me when I say these things. My situation had not changed YET. I still had no job, no source of income and I would need to get those things in order for me to be able to keep myself out of a sticky financial blunder. However...because my eyes had been opened to the realization that if I chose to hold onto the promises of God and truly begin to tear away at the horrible foundation that was collapsing, then no matter what would come after that, I would be able to stand strong. My perspective on my life had switched and I began to look at things in a different light.

I knew I needed to share this. I know I’m not the first person ever to have this realization. But I felt very strongly that I needed to write about what had just happened. All the fears, the doubts, the moments of weakness, the pain and suffering and the days when all I could do was just weep and pray and feel miserable. I knew that somehow within all of that was the process of a new beginning for me. My life would need some serious work done to it, but once it would be complete, I would have a strong foundation to build a new one on.

I don’t pretend to know all the answers as to why these things happen. And unfortunately there are situations so much more dire than the one I’ve been involved in. But the core fundamentals are the same, if we choose to let fear lead our thoughts then we will never feel peace. If we allow the good things in our life to be lead by God’s promises and his teachings, then we will slowly begin to change our mind, heart and perspective to what he wants for us. In addition to that, we must also be willing to remove the bad things in our lives that would hinder this process. I’ve cut out a LOT of things from my life that should have never been there in the first place. I’ve sought to find those I felt I needed to ask for forgiveness for the things I did to them or the situations we had been involved with that created pain and suffering. I began to make it a requirement to pray every morning before I began any kind of work. It started out as a forceful thing for me, I had to push myself to remember to pray. Now, I look forward to that time in the morning when it’s just my thoughts, my prayers, my desires, my life being renewed. I’m actively letting God do what he needs to do to rebuild my foundation.

And when the foundation is set, and everything has been finished, then the process of building the new Jose on top of that stronger foundation will begin. Once that new “house” is built, then God can begin filling it with life and purpose once again. We cannot be filled with God’s purpose if the structure of our live is not strong. In order for that to come to pass, we MUST have a strong foundation so that we can have a strong house, so that we can be filled with purpose.

I pray that these words fill you with hope and somehow have ministered to someone. I will continue to pray and build my own foundation. But if anyone would need prayer, or feel like they are going through the same and cannot find peace and a place to begin, I would love to pray with you and perhaps together we can find ways of creating strength to weather the storm.

I leave you with this, “Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 (Good News Translation).