Life's Complications

 

It's been over ten years since I've written in this journal. It's odd how things change with the course of time. I wasn't married, I've had several different jobs since, and it was the year after one of the most defining moments of my life happened.

I don't pretend to say that I know exactly where I'm going, because at 44, I'm still trying to figure things out. I'll be married for 5 years this coming August, and I can't say it's been an easy road. However, I 've learned a lot of things about myself that have kind of surprised me.

I've learned to deal with pain, a lot of pain. Since 2017 I've been in and out of the hospital due to health complications with my pancreas. I didn't realize it, but I've been dealing with it for almost 24 years now. It started when I was 19, but I didn't realize what it was at the time. Since I never bothered looking into it because I wasn't sure what it was and dismissed it as a momentary sickness, it progressed and has gotten way out of control. I had to have surgery in 2017 to remove a cyst from my pancreas, and that's when I was diagnosed with acute pancreatitis.

It's been a painful and VERY expensive journey for me. I almost went into the ER every year since my surgery, and for a while I thought it wouldn't get any better. I'm also just now finding out there's a history of pancreatic issues on my mother's side of the family. Combine that with the diabetes and cardiovascular issues on my dad's side of the family, and you've got a really inconvenient mixture of bad genes that have been cooking inside my body.

It's hard to understate how this has impacted my life. There are moments when I get hit with an overwhelming amount of depression and a sense of failure due to me not taking better care of myself. But part of me also wonders how much of it would have made that much of a difference since I had so many things stacked against me genetically to begin with.

The worst part of all of this isn't the intense pain I suffer whenever my pancreas flares up with pancreatitis, but it's the strain it puts on my family, especially my wife. She has to sit there with me for hours sometimes as we wait for the medical staff to bring me anything that will attempt to help with the pain, but almost never does. Poor thing. I feel so bad for her. She has to watch me endure a lot of pain and suffering without the ability to do anything about it. I hate that for her.

But, it's what we have to endure for now. I've taken steps to improve my health in the past, but it's far too expensive to maintain and it seems like it only does so much. I feel it never does enough. I hate that living a healthier lifestyle costs so much. On the other hand, not paying attention to my health hast cost me so much already. I can't decide which is worse.

Although I don't have any doubts that God can work miracles in my life to heal me, I just feel like relying on God to do what I want for my body is just misguided. Sure, I should pray for healing and believe he has the power to do so. However, I can't treat God like a vending machine, pumping in a prayer and pushing a button to get an answer like some kind of snack. I have to align myself to what he wants for my life and do the work I've been put on this Earth to do regardless of my health. I need to do my duties despite my current situation and not wait on the situation itself to change.

So, here I am...unsure of what will happen. I've been really sick the last few weeks on and off. It sucks, I've never been this sick for this long. It usually lasts for only a few days. But, what can I do? I don't always adhere to a better diet, so part of it is on me for sure. But, I also can't just let something like this hinder me from living my life. I need to enjoy the moments that are good and free of pain. I should have written more in this journal the past ten years. A lot of amazing things happened. But, I guess picking it up now is better than nothing.